KEVIN’S 1997 CHRISTMAS LETTER

Well, we just got some good news about Christmas -- Uncle Leo will be able to join us. It seems that the parole board met last week and determined that he had no part in the attempted breakout in October, so he’ll be released on the 21st and should make it to our house on time if he can grab a car.

The kids got an early start to the Christmas vacation when one of Daniel’s science experiments went awry and gutted the chemistry lab. But, much to the children’s chagrin, the school will reopen as scheduled in January.

On a bit of a sad note, Aunt Mary was made a widow (again) in February. But as an example of turning sadness into joy, she remarried in September and, to add to the joy, she reached the double-digit mark for husbands, a first for our family (and at such a young age.)

On a personal note, apparently the laws on embezzlement are not as strict in the Congo as elsewhere, so I was able to turn a disastrous investment in a uranium mine to a bit of good fortune.

Teresa’s new job as Director of Marketing for the Tobacco Institute’s Adolescent Relations Division is keeping her hopping – you know what those teenagers can be like. Fortunately she has unlimited free samples.

The kids will have a great Christmas thanks to Santa Claus. He went off at 150 to 1, but thanks to a great tip I put all our Christmas money on the nose and he came through down the stretch. I guess I owe Guido one now.

We are praying for good weather this Christmas. We are having the kitchen remodeled, and the work got a bit behind schedule due to some minor bother over bounced checks. That is all straightened out now thanks to Santa (see above), but the work will not be completed in time for us to cook our traditional liver and haggis dinner, so we are instituting a new tradition, the Christmas picnic. Fortunately our yard has lots of sunshine.

Blythe’s artistic abilities are really beginning to blossom, and she is developing a unique style. You can see examples of her work on the back wall of the McLean Pizza Hut and on the offramp from I-495 to I-95 South (the outer loop).

MERRY CHRISTMAS

KEVIN’S 1998 CHRISTMAS LETTER

Just as, when a toilet bowl is flushed, the water shakes, then begins to move in faster and faster circles before disappearing down the drain, so has 1998 spun faster and faster towards its conclusion, sucking its events into the vortex of eternity. Which means that it is time for the old annual Christmas letter.

We had the kitchen redone this year, but with frugality being the operative word, we had a hard time finding someone to do it at our price. That is, until we found Doug’s Demolition and Kitchen Remodeling. Things got off to a bad start when Doug mistakenly sent the wrong crew on the first day to tear out the old cabinets. The huge hole they blew in the kitchen wall has been repaired, and the crater next to the house will make a nice swimming pool come next summer.

Teresa has a new job with a lobbying firm. She is heading up a major effort to pass legislation to help increase the budget for education in Virginia. It involves placing slot machines and off track betting kiosks in the high schools, which would serve two noble purposes at the same time – keeping kids off the street and raising much needed revenues for education.

We took a trip to France this summer, and I felt I needed to learn some French. However, in order to save enough for the trip, I bought a second hand language tape that was a bit fuzzy, which caused a bit of trouble for us. It seems that in French the sentence, “We’d like four ham and cheese sandwiches and four Cokes” bears a strong resemblance to “Your wife looks a lot like the cow in the field across the road.”

Uncle Leo’s parole officer allowed him to pay us a visit this summer. Even the entrepreneur, he saw possibilities in the many lemonade stands that dotted out neighborhood. However, according to him, there is little money to be made from selling the stuff, so he helped Daniel, Blythe, and their friends on our block arrange insurance for the lemonade stands against such dangers as destroyed tables and spilt lemonade.

Speaking of the children, we got a new computer and printer last Christmas and Daniel began to use the publishing features to put out a classroom newspaper. Suffice it to say that we are now quite well acquainted with the Virginia libel laws.

Much to our pleasure, Blythe has begun to finance her college education. She is rather small for her age, just the right size to fit in an air duct so she has been a lot of free lance work in industrial espionage lately.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

KEVIN’S CHRISTMAS LETTER 1999

As the storm that is the end of the year breaks upon us and washes the last 12 months down the sewer of history, it is time to look back and reflect on the past year.

This year we tried something really different – we went camping. Now our idea of roughing it is to stay at a motel without HBO, but the kids made such threats that we had to do it. One lesson we learned – not everything that looks like a stick is a stick. Luckily we had the snakebite kit. Teresa says that something that shows women are smarter than men is that on women most snakebites occur on the leg while with men it is on the hand. Luckily I am ambidexterous.

Daniel is getting into photography and received a camera for his birthday. And he has been putting it to good use. It’s amazing what people will pay to have some negatives. I guess that telephoto lens has paid for itself twice over.

Blythe was elected her second grade president. Things did not look good at first, as the polls showed her way behind. However, she was able to mount a smear campaign against her opponent thanks to some good information she got from his younger brother in exchange for candy at recess. With her new title, her new motto is, “Today second grade, tomorrow the world.”

Teresa’s nephew Todd spent a few months with us this year. He does not really like to come to Virginia, but the choices were either us or a juvenile detention home. Luckily the room we put him in still had the bars and metal door on it from the time his older brother Zeke spent some time with us under house arrest. So all worked out well.

Uncle Leo, ever the entrepreneur, has created a successful day trading/stock advice web site out of our basement. He uses rumor and innuendo to raise or lower prices of certain stocks, as it suits his needs. He is not worried about the SEC because he has tapped into a neighbor’s phone line.

On a sad note, Aunt Mary is a widow again. Her husband had an unfortunate accident while they were touring a volcano in Hawaii, but she seems to be recovering nicely. The will stood up against the challenges of her late husband’s children, and Aunt Mary has gone to mourn in Jamaica. Helping her in the process is her new friend Lance, a lifeguard who lives in her new condo.

Teresa’s job is going quite well; she has been quite successful in getting cigarette vending machines placed in high schools in some of the counties around Richmond. There’s nothing like a well timed campaign contribution to a politician hurting for funds.

But Teresa is not one to sit on her laurels. In her spare time she is also operating a web site selling health and life insurance to the elderly, with Uncle Leo as her advisor. Check out her site at :

www.thanklesskids.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY 2000.

KEVIN’S 2000 CHRISTMAS LETTER

As the events that make up the last year are scraped from the pot of 2000 and poured down the Dispose-All of Time, it is a good occasion to look back and reflect on the past year and put together the old annual Christmas letter.

The new millenium got off to a great start with our setting off fireworks in the back yard. The evening became even more festive due to the sirens and flashing lights of the fire engines when the came to put out the fire that one of our bottle rockets started a few blocks away. Luckily they were unable to trace the trajectory.

The past summer, we took a vacation to a family Club Med in Florida. We had a great time, but unfortunately we have been banned from any future visits. It seems that Daniel and Blythe got a little too much into the spirit of the Bastille Day celebration. They hot wired a couple of the golf carts, drove them through the crowd singing the Marseillaise, then crashed them through the doors of the Baby Club in an attempt to liberate the children from their oppressors, who in turn ran amok in the village for several hours and held the sports director hostage.

Uncle Leo has pretty much become a permanent resident with us now that he is off parole. Ever the entrepreneur, he was quick to note the enthusiasm for children’s sports in the area. As result, he has begun a quite successful bookmaking operation. With his rakish fedora and checked green jacket, he has become a familiar figure at the McLean Little League baseball and soccer fields this past year. This spring he’ll be introducing his own on-line betting web site. Look for it at www.kidscollegefund.com.

Aunt Mary and Lance, the lifeguard in Jamaica who was helping her through her recent widowhood, have parted ways. However, on a more cheery note, she has just become engaged to husband number 11. He is Lord Earl Grey de Toqueville de Poubelles, the 17th Marquis of Sans Serif. She has set up a web site where you can post your greetings and see her past matrimonial history – www.merrywidow.com.

Blythe has been taking Irish dancing lessons and has become quite proficient. She has also turned it into a profitable enterprise by dancing in Irish pubs. She dances under the name of the Kelly the Quirky Colleen. We have found that performing just before closing time brings the best tips, as the patrons are quite well lubricated by then.

Continuing in a musical vein, Daniel and his friends have formed a band called Large Intestine.

The lobbying and public relations firm that Teresa works for has taken on a new project and asked her to head it up – Localized Toxic Waste. Instead of concentrating toxic waste in just a few places, where it can be harmful to the environment, they are working on legislation to spread it around with small amounts placed throughout local communities. Look for their bumper stickers, YIMBY, for Yes! In My Back Yard.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY 2001

KEVIN’S 2001 CHRISTMAS LETTER

As the cleaning crew of time empties out the waste basket of 2001 and assigns its contents to the dumpster of history, it is time once again to compose the annual Christmas letter.

You should see the elaborate Christmas light display Teresa and the kids designed and put up. We were kind of worried about what our electric bill might be for December, but thanks to the excellent science education Blythe and Daniel are receiving they were able to hook the light display into our neighbor’s power. If it works out, we might make it permanent.

With the interest rates dropping we decided to refinance our home this year so that our rate would be in single digits. We got an excellent rate, but with all the additional costs, like paying for the coffee for the secretary of the boss of the home appraiser, our new monthly fee is higher than in the past. But we got a great rate.

Uncle Leo is still in residence with us and is beginning to expand into new business ventures. The owners of the small shops in downtown McLean sleep well at night knowing they are protected from harm thanks to the insurance he provides. His business is thriving and he recently bought a condo in Miami Beach.

Aunt Mary and her new husband (#11), Lord Earl Grey de Toqueville de Poubelles, the 17th Marquis de Sans Serif, have taken up residence in his ancestral home in the south of France. We visited them in June, but due to a regrettable occurrence we refer to as “The Incident of the Stinky Cheese and the High-Strung Maid,” we are no longer welcome in the house. We also took a side trip to Paris. And although he French revere Jerry Lewis, they seem to find little humor in water balloons dropped from the tower of Notre Dame. Ah, c’est la vie.

The Dot-Com collapse last year has hurt the children’s college fund, so to get his back on track Daniel has begun running betting on Battle Bots in the school playground during lunch and recess. Business is very good, and the 10% the principal takes still leaves him with a hefty profit.

Blythe has also been able to supplement hers as well. Her artistic ability has improved by leaps and bounds over the past year, and this past October her copy of a Picasso sold for a considerable sum at Christie’s.

Teresa’s firm has asked her to head up a new project in Virginia, draining the wetlands in the coastal areas to make room for housing developments. This is her reward for her successful lobbying effort to get cigarette machines in high school cafeterias.

KEVIN’S 2002 CHRISTMAS LETTER

As the great shredding machine of time sucks in the events of the past year and begins to grind, rendering our noble actions nothing more than confetti on the wind, it is time to write the old Christmas letter.

On the automotive front, Teresa finally traded in her Yugo at almost book value. They only made us pay $100.00 to have them keep it, which was slightly above the Blue Book. Although she is quite happy with her new car, the crossing guard is still a bit nostalgic for the days when he would see Teresa turn the corner at the top of the hill, and given the uncertain nature of her brakes, would get to race into the road blowing his whistle and waving his arms frantically to halt all traffic in case she couldn’t stop.

Speaking of Teresa, the lobbying firm she works for has a new contract with the Department of Defense. Their mission is to get Junior ROTC programs started in Quaker-run high schools around the country. This may seem like a challenge, but they are up to it, as witnessed by the fact that most high schools in Virginia now have cigarette machines in their cafeterias thanks to her efforts.

As our resident relative, Uncle Leo continues to be a positive role model for the children. As he is beginning to get on in years, he has decided that he needs a more legitimate line of business to stay in the law’s good graces. So he has started a franchise business, the Madame de Peau Tanning Salon and Southern Bar-B-Q Bistro. He figures this way he can make good use of the tanning beds on slow days. Visit him on the web at www.Letsfry.com

Continuing on the relative front, Teresa’s sister Lisa visited us in December with her pet snake Charles. What a character! He tried to eat the cats, then disappeared for a few days, only to re-emerge from his hiding place in the cushions of the easy chair to bite Fr. O’Brien who sat there when he came to solicit donations for the church building fund. It looks like we’ll be making a healthy donation to his fund.

This past summer we managed to get the lifetime ban that Club Med had imposed on us in 2000 lifted by putting our house up as collateral. So we went to a different Club Med, in the Bahamas. They became suspicious of us when on our first night there two live crabs showed up in the lobster bisque, but Blythe vehemently denied any involvement and due to the fact that it is hard to lift prints from a crustacean, they let the matter drop, and we had a great week.

Aunt Mary and her husband, Lord Earl Grey de Touqueville de Poubelles are doing well. Husband #11 may be the charm for her. However, her maid is not doing all that well, as she is still traumatized from our visit last year and cannot abide the sight of cheese. To help her out we have sent her for Christmas a do-it-yourself home electro-shock therapy kit, along with an adapter for European plugs.

Daniel spent the summer honing his cartooning skills and has a feature running in the school’s underground newspaper called Absorbent Robert Roundshorts who bears a strong resemblance to the principal. My personal favorite is the series in which the administration is portrayed as the Three Stooges. Needless to say we are learning quite a bit about the First Amendment.

KEVINS’ 2003 CHRISTMAS LETTER

As the great garbage truck of time comes rumbling down the street to collect the detritus of the past year and haul it away to the toxic waste dump of history, it is time to once again put fingertips to the keyboard and write the old Christmas letter.

After intending to do it for many years, I finally took the plunge and signed up for a martial arts class. It was held in the basement of a Quaker meeting house. Unfortunately, the experience did not last long, as I was thrown out after the second class for fighting.

Although the school authorities did not think much of the idea, we thought Daniel and his lab partner were ingenious in combining Biology and Spanish class projects into one called the Running of the Rodents. After liberating the lab rats and other such denizens, they had them chase the students through the maze-like halls of the school.

Blythe has become really aggressive soccer player and has gained quite a reputation around the league. In fact, before the first tournament game, she was given a red card during the pre-game equipment check.

Uncle Leo has become a true Renaissance man. In addition to his other endeavors chronicled here in past years, after drinking a bottle of sake, he was inspired to embark on a literary venture and has become editor and publisher of journal dedicated to X-rated haiku. At the same time he is exploring an online dating service for ex-convicts.

Teresa is enjoying a government-induced leave of absence from her work as the result of a few misplaced decimal points. But she looks quite fashionable with the device she wears on her ankle.

Some good news about Teresa’s nephews, Todd and Zeke. It was determined that the kitchen fire was an accident, so they have been transferred to a halfway house in Richmond and have gotten work-release jobs as travelling salesman.

Aunt Mary and her husband, Lord Earl Grey de Touqueville de Poubelles, continue to do well. She was in Washington recently and was asked to speak before Congress. Well, actually, it was not before the entire Congress, but just a single committee and she wasn’t so much asked as subpoenaed. Despite a grant of immunity, she and her maid made ample use of our shredder. And speaking of her maid, she has recovered nicely and is no longer afraid of cheese, but during the visit she would not sleep in the same house as Blythe and Daniel, so we pitched a tent for her in the backyard.

KEVIN’S 2004 CHRISTMAS LETTER

As 2004 winds down and the events of the last year are piled high upon the compost heap of history, I see it is time to place fingers on the keyboard and write the old Christmas letter.

I got a hernia last summer from brushing my teeth too vigorously, so I had an operation in September. All went well, and afterwards the doctor gave me color photos of the operation. They were quite stunning visually so I entered them in the Paris Photo Exhibition called the Prix de Poubelles and won a third place ribbon.

Teresa’s ankle bracelet came off in October and the court has allowed her to go back to work. She is very excited about her new project, placing vending machines for Vioxx and Celebrex in the community centers of retirement communities.

Uncle Leo’s venture into the health industry, online massage parlors, did not generate as much business as he had hoped, so he and an old friend now in the witness protection program (I’m sure you remember the Congressional testimony of Three Fingers Trapini) who now lives in McLean have teamed up to market and sell their own brand of Livestrong bracelets. They expect a good profit from this growing trend.

Dan is now 16 and preparing for his driver’s license. It should not be too difficult, as Uncle Leo has had him between the wheel since he was 12 and he is now returning the favor with Blythe, who is now 12. Daniel is tricking out Teresa’s Subaru Outback wagon with tire spikes and flame throwers. He is having trouble with the hydraulics as they are making Teresa seasick.

Blythe’s aggressive play has carries over from soccer to basketball. In the first game she fouled out in the first minute. She is also becoming quite a writer. Her latest project is adapting Lolita for a third grade play.

Aunt Mary and her 11th husband, Lord Earl Gray de Touqueville de Poubelles continue to do well. However, as a result of some mistimed Swiss bank transactions, they will not be able to visit the states for a while.

Teresa’s nephews, Todd and Zeke, will not be able to join us for Christmas. While employed as travelling salesman in their work-release program, they seem to have gone a little too far afield, Mexico, to be exact. So they have been personally invited by the governor to be the first guests at the new maximum security juvenile detention facility.

KEVIN’S CHRISTMAS LETTER 2005

As the events of 2005 skip gaily along, only to be engulfed by the quicksand of time and sucked down into the quagmire of the ages, it is time to sit down at the old computer and write the annual Christmas letter.

Uncle Leo is still living with us and doing well. Ever the one to spot a trend, he has taken advantage of the aging baby boomer population by opening a chain catering just to this demographic. It’s called Colonoscopies R Us. Their motto is “We’re behind you all the way.” Look for one opening in a mall near you soon.

Daniel is a senior in high school and going through the old college application process. To help smooth thing along he has been attaching $100.00 bills to the cover of his applications. But just to be sure, some of Uncle Leo’s former associates are making personal visits to the admissions directors and checking on the health of their knees..

Blythe is now known around her school as “Water Woman.” It seems her science project on tsunamis got a little out of hand and flooded the school’s basement. We are taking a large tax deduction for donating a swimming pool to the school. By the way, the force with which a principal strikes water is equal to the sine of the angle at which he enters it. I did not know that.

Aunt Mary paid us an extended visit in the fall. Her maid has made great progress. She no longer screams at the site of the kids and even came into the house. But she still insisted on sleeping in the car. Unfortunately, Aunt Mary’s husband number 11, Lord Earl Gray de Touqueville de Poubelles, was unable to make the trip. He was at a clinic in Switzerland recovering from a series of accidents he suffered last summer while hiking with Aunt Mary in the Pyrenees, scuba diving with her in the Bahamas, and hunting with her in the Black Forest. We wish him a speedy recovery.

You may not know this, but Teresa’s hobby is stained glass. This year she got a commission to do some stained glass windows for the Playboy Mansion in California. I graciously volunteered to deliver them personally. However, they would not let me get past the gate and made me lay them in the driveway where an armed guard came out and picked them up. Geez, you’d think all would be forgiven after 35 years…To make matters worse, while she was working Teresa refused to allow me in to see the models or the sketches. I have been told, however, that they are quite life like when the sun shines through the trees and the shadows shimmy around.

Speaking of Teresa, her work on the project to get cigarette vending machines into high school cafeterias was so successful she received a promotion to Vice President of International Youth Services. Her current project is a very ambitious one, to get a credit card into the hands of every high school student in the U.S. and Canada. Look for their campaigns, “Party Now, Pay Later” and “Hey, It’s Only Money,” to launch in January.

I’ve been working diligently on my newest art form, Haikus. My first book of poems should hit the shelves for the next holiday season. So keep an eye peeled for “Running with Haikus, Don’t Try This At Home”.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Copyright © 2005 Kevin Brady